hot coffee girl

We have addressed Transportation. We have announced the Administration. The end is in sight. But there is still more to talk about. There are still plenty of issues that need to be brought to the forefront. Oh, yes. I have issues.

When I am elected Supreme Ruler, I will guarantee you, my loyal followers, this:

Celebrities will no longer be able to comment on political issues.
Simply because you have attained some manner of fame or fortune in the entertainment world does NOT give you the fucking right to tell us how we should feel about social, environmental or political issues. Bono-I am talking to you, you self-righteous prick. And if you threaten to move abroad if a certain candidate is elected, then we will immediately revoke your citizenship and deport you to whatever country you were bitching that you were going to move to. Just because you are skilled as an actor (cough, cough) does NOT make me interested in what you think. I believe Dennis Leary said it best:

I want everybody off the bus. I want the shiny people over here and the happy people over there. Sit down and shut the fuck up, Michael."

You must stop living in the past.
Scrunchies. Banana Clips. Perfectly coifed bangs. Back away from the curling irons, ladies and pick up a current issue of Vogue. Men-if you are losing your hair, I am sorry. But for fuck’s sake, quit growing it long and parting it on the side. No one needs to see that. If you haven’t changed your look since high school and you are now in your 30’s…you will be shot under my administration. And we do not just discriminate against the aged. Yes, kids. I am talking to you. If you are a male whose pants hang below your ass, you will be immediately arrested and taken to the Gap to get some drawers that fit. And then you will be beaten with the belt that could have saved you from this fate. Girls, you need to get some pants that fit, too. If I have to look at one more goddamn muffin top, you will have your mall privileges revoked. And backfat is for bacon. Buy a looser shirt, sweetheart. You will be interred in a fashion camp and be forced to watch Audrey Hepburn movies until you realize that style should be understated, not purchased at Wet Seal.

Bill Gates will get his shit together.
I will force old Willy to quit with the constant release of substandard technology at affordable prices. I will outlaw IE. I will subsidize Apple to make the iBook more accessible for all users. Opera or Firefox will be the Official browsers of the new administration. No longer will we, as a people, be kicked in the nuts by Windows.

Thank you for your support.